We, most of us, judge each other too easily. You and I are not exceptional in that thing, okay, let it be, we all are allowed to have few human errors. But, what if, our judgement passed on somebody, affects their daily life? That should be stopped there and then. But very few people do that. They just keep judging or commenting, sometimes in the form of jokes, sometimes in the form of taunts, or anything related to such kinds of activities. They never think about how that's going to affect the other person's life. We, all of us, go through so much in our daily life, sometimes we express, sometimes we don't. We generally don't know what the other person is going through in their life. Our judgements and comments add their baggage.
I've been waiting for so many dreams to be fulfilled for such a long time. But that doesn't mean I've to stop living my present and just keep focusing on that. I have to value my present as well. There are so many people around me, they always comment on my clothes, bags, accessories, etc. I don't know if they are jealous or what, because let's say I am not the perfect model type or my dressing sense is not one hundred per cent perfect, but I am more than average for sure. Sometimes I ignore, sometimes even if I apply positive chanting and everything I can't ignore, those people should understand that it's not just a joke, it's somebody's life they are commenting on.
I've been dealing with so many issues, for the past few years, I've generally never told people or I don't discuss them anymore. I've been waiting for my happiness for so long, it appears that I am such a happy person from the outside, but it's not that easy. Sometimes I feel so alone at my workplace. I've few people there on whom I can rely, it's not that thing, I talk to them, I laugh with them, I eat with them, but I feel like I don't belong there, I don't feel it every day, but yes I do, on some of my worst days. As a person I am very helpful, since the past few months I am struggling so much in my own life, still, I've done a lot for so many people, but it's not that I am stating it and trying to prove myself as a bigger person. But my concern is when I need people, they make excuses or they just give me simple lies and I just can feel them. It's not easy when you know the truth and you just have to smile and move on, because you can't do anything about it. It's not easy when you have so much nonsense stuff going on in life, but you try to just smile every day, also you try to keep other people happy, that's very courageous and I am proud of myself that I'm doing it since so many years. I have been the odd one out whole my life. I have never felt bad regarding that, but sometimes it just tiring. I've been dealing with those emotions since my school life when students used to mock me because I had so much height even in primary school. I was good in academics, drawing, extra curriculum, everything, but that negativity stayed with me for many more years after that. People always judge other people who are a bit feminine or have soft voices, that too had happened to me so many times, because our society has made such boxes, where people like me don't fit in. I've tolerated so much abuse and humiliation, just because my parents have brought me up in a certain way that I couldn't just tackle them. I sometimes used to feel so fragile not physically but mentally. In the past few years since I've started to take a stand for myself, people who have been treating me badly have just broken their friendships with me or stopped talking or apologised for their behaviour. But those scars don't go easily which has affected my mental health. There would be so many people like me, and I know it's not easy, but just keep going, you'll survive.
I could have written these paragraphs in my diary or someplace else, but I want people to know that because of your one stupid thing somebody's life could be changed forever. The videos I make on nature or film-related or the stuff I post about books and quotes, I don't do it for show off. I don't even do it for social media, I just want to document my life, Instagram has been an amazing medium for me to do it, where I can give tribute to my favourite songs with the help of my creativity. I post on WhatsApp because some of my friends don't use Instagram. I post it for my happiness and I'll not stop posting because of some random comments I've been hearing behind my back, if you have the guts to say it, do it on my face, and I'll give you a nice reply.
In the past few months, there were so many moments where I just felt like quitting. But my parents have never taught me to give up. I've had such bad weeks, not just days, that I just felt like running away somewhere and starting my own new life.
My father has been so kind to each and everyone I've known, he only losses his cool when he can't tolerate injustice, inequality and lies... I always wanted to become like him, people used to make fun of me that you are not like him, just because he has higher degrees than me, or he's having such a higher position in Government or he's very well behaved than me. But I am myself, and I am realising that I've become like him only, slowly but I am and I'll someday make him proud. My mother has just put me first before herself like every mother. Sometimes I argue with her so much because our thinking doesn't match. But when I look at her, while boiling water for our maid, to do utensils on Winter nights, it just makes me so happy from inside that yes there are few things in me which I've exactly like her. Sometimes small things matter a lot.
I have been with my friends and relatives on their thick and thin. I've always remembered their birthdays, anniversaries and stuff. But in the past few months, some of them didn't even wish me for my biggest happiness. It didn't make me sad, it just made me silent. I stopped explaining things to people. I started treating people like they treated me. So as I said earlier some of them stopped talking to me. It's not been easy to have two small accidents, I had bad scars mentally and physically because of them. My friends went through a rough time and it affected me too. But then I realized when people are sad they sometimes share their problems but when they are happy they don't announce it. I've also done it. Maybe I am still doing it. I know I have still a long way to go, I've to take a few decisions that will change my life forever, but I will.
Because as Robert Frost has said,
"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
