શાળાનું મકાન

આ રસ્તો હજુ એ જ છે, જે પંદર વર્ષ પહેલાં હતો. અહીંથી એ તૂટેલી બારી દેખાય છે, જે વર્ષો પહેલાં પણ તૂટેલા કાચવાળી જ હતી. આ સાંજ ઘેરી વળી છે. આ સાંજ વર્ષો પહેલાં તો આટલી ઉદાસ નહોતી લાગતી. કેટલાંય વર્ષો ચાલ્યા ગયા છે, કેટલીય વ્યક્તિઓ ચાલી ગઇ છે. પણ, આ જગ્યા હજુ એમ જ છે. આ મેદાન, આ શાળાનું મકાન ઘણી વખત યાદ આવી જાય છે. દરેક વિદ્યાર્થીએ અહીં પોતાના સ્વપ્નો સેવ્યા હશે. વર્ષો વીતતાં જાય છે... જગ્યા એ જ છે. સમય જુદો છે... ઘણી વખત અહીંથી નીકળું છું અને અંદર જવાની ઈચ્છા થઇ આવે છે અને મારી જાતને રોકી લઉં છું... પ્રાર્થનાનો સમય, શાળાની ઘંટડી, વર્ગખંડો વચ્ચેની લૉબી, આ બધુ જ ફક્ત હવે યાદો છે. જિંદગી શાળામાં જોઈ હતી, તેનાં કરતાં કેટલી અલગ છે!! આ ભીના સંસ્મરણો અને ભીની આંખો, વીતેલો ભૂતકાળ,... જિંદગી કેટલી નિષ્ઠુર છે, જ્યાં ગયેલો સમય તો પાછો આવતો જ નથી, પણ ક્યારેક ગયેલી વ્યક્તિઓ પણ નહીં...

Everything I watched in 2022

Feature Films

Atrangi Re (2021) [7/10]

Hindi

Aanand L. Rai

Pushpa: The Rise (2021) [5/10]

Hindi (Dubbed)

Sukumar

Pyaar Kiya To Darna Kya (1998) [6/10]

Hindi

Sohail Khan

Gehraiyaan (2022) [8/10]

Hindi

Shakun Batra

Gangubai Kathiawadi (2022) [9/10]

Hindi

Sanjay Leela Bhansali

The Kashmir Files (2022) [8/10]

Hindi

Vivek Agnihotri

Badhaai Do (2022) [8/10]

Hindi

Harshavardhan Kulkarni

Cobalt Blue (2022) [5/10]

Hindi

Sachin Kundalkar

Jersey (2022) [9/10]

Hindi

Gowtam Tinnanuri

Bhool Bhulaiyaa 2 (2022) [6/10]

Hindi

Anees Bazmee

Fresh (2022) [8/10]

English

Mimi Cave

Janhit Mein Jaari (2022) [6/10]

Hindi

Jai Basantu Singh

Jugjugg Jeeyo (2022) [4/10]

Hindi

Raj Mehta

Darlings (2022) [9/10]

Hindi

Jasmeet K. Reen

Yaadein (2001) [5/10]

Hindi

Subhash Ghai

Brahmāstra: Part One - Shiva (2022) [6/10]

Hindi

Ayan Mukerji

Ek Villain Returns (2022) [5/10]

Hindi

Mohit Suri

Anek (2022) [8/10]

Hindi

Anubhav Sinha

Chup: Revenge of the Artist (2022) [8/10]

Hindi

R. Balki

Sita Ramam (2022) [10/10]

Telugu

Hanu Raghavapudi

The List (Short Film) (2022) [6/10]

Hindi

Gaurav Dave

Chhello Show (2022) [9/10]

Gujarati

Pan Nalin

Elevator to the Gallows (1958) [8/10]

French

Louis Malle

A Separation (2011) [9/10]

Persian

Asghar Farhadi

Drishyam 2 (2022) [8/10]

Hindi

Abhishek Pathak

Qala (2022) [9/10]

Hindi

Anvitaa Dutt

Bhediya 3D (2022) [5/10]

Hindi

Amar Kaushik

Web Series / TV Shows

Sex Education

English

Season 1 (9/10)

Season 2 (8/10)

Season 3 (9/10)

Yeh Kaali Kaali Aankhein

Hindi

Season 1 (8/10)

After Life

English

Season 3 (9/10) 

The Fame Game

Hindi

Season 1 (10/10)

Lock Upp

Hindi

Season 1 (Ep 1 to 4)

Heartstopper

English

Season 1 (8/10)

Modern Love Mumbai

Hindi

Season 1 (9/10)

Koffee with Karan

Season 7

UnCoupled

English

Season 1 (8/10)

Maid

English 

(8/10)

Masaba Masaba

English

Season 2 (9/10)

Fabulous Lives of Bollywood Wives

English 

Season 2 (5/10)

Mismatched

Hindi

Season 2 (9/10)

Hush Hush

Hindi

Season 1 (9/10)

Repeat viewing 

Soulmates (Zoom TV Mini Series 2018)

Hindi

(9/10)

Kashmir - a father's day film by TTT (short film)

Hindi

(8/10)

Mismatched (2020 Web Series)

Season 1

Hindi

(9/10)

Hum Saath-Saath Hain (1999)

Hindi

Sooraj Barjatya

(9/10)

Paheli (2005) 

Hindi

Amol Palekar

(8/10) 

Hum Aapke Hain Koun..! (1994) 

Hindi

Sooraj Barjatya

(8/10) 

Normal People

English

(9/10)

Pooranmashi (short film)

Meghna Gulzar

(8/10)

Chhoti Si Baat

Hindi

Basu Chatterjee

(8/10)

Koffee with Karan

Season 5 (Kangana & Saif)

Season 4 (Priyanka & Deepika)

Pink (2016)

Hindi

Aniruddha Roy Chowdhary

(9/10)

Taal (1999)

Hindi

Subhash Ghai

(9/10)

Kal Ho Naa Ho

Hindi

Nikhil Advani

(9/10)

Is Love Enough? Sir (2018)

Hindi, English, Marathi

Rohena Gera

(10/10)

P.S. :- Films indicated in Italic and Underline are the ones which I saw in theatre.

Life Lessons of 2022

This year was a bit tough for me, both personally and professionally. On a few of my worst days, I didn't wish to go to my workplace at all. On the other few worst days I was blank about everything. I was so scared about my future. But throughout that process, I learned so much. This year gave me a few new relationships, I lost a few relationships and found back a few also... It's been such a roller coaster I can't describe even. Most significantly I became the father of a daughter. The time I spent with my princess healed me from some of my problems. Despite that, I learned so much about life.

I spent so many evenings in parks. That taught me that nature has healing power. I learned that it's your journey. Even though parents, friends, and other people can understand and empathize with you, you've to be on your own... Because nobody can help you better than yourself. That's why it's ok to be alone and that's enough... I had so many days when I needed people to talk with, but so many of them told me they were busy or gave me simple lies. So I was my savior. I did my photoshoot many times with the help of a mobile stand and windows. I went on a solo trip. I always like to spend time with myself so it was relaxing for me. I watched many sunsets, they all were magical. 

I used to create content on Instagram to document my life moments and nature but I realized that you can't record all of those best moments, you just can feel them. So I started enjoying instead recording. If it happens, it does, now I don't wait for many minutes to record a few seconds of video. I spent time reading many books and sipping cold coffees. I realized that happiness is now. So started to wear all my new clothes, using the new products I saved for special occasions. Because life is happening now. Still, I have a lot more to write but can't process it right now. Thanking each one who helped me this year. 

Books I read in 2022

1. Bahut Door, Kitna Door Hota Hai

Hindi

Manav Kaul

(5/5)

2. Chalta-Phirta Pret

Hindi

Manav Kaul

(5/5)

3. Antima

Hindi

Manav Kaul

(5/5)

4. Gaanth Chhutyani Vela

Gujarati

Varsha Adalja

(4/5)

5. Normal People

English

Sally Rooney

(5/5)

6. How To Be A Writer

English

Ruskin Bond

(5/5)

7. Chhinnapatra

Gujarati

Suresh Joshi

(5/5)

8. Andhari Galima Safed Tapka

Gujarati

Himanshi Shelat

(5/5)

9. Sambandh To Aakash [Re-read]

Gujarati

Kaajal Oza Vaidya

(4/5)

10. Parineeta

Hindi (translation, originally in Bengali)

Sarat Chandra Chattopadhyay

(translated by M I Rajasvi)

(4/5)

11. All Along You Were Blooming 

English

Morgan Harper Nichols 

(5/5)

12. Karta Ne Karm Se

Hindi

Manav Kaul

(5/5)

13. Bhagawan Shri Krishna ane 

Bhagawad Gita

Gujarati (translation)

Swami Vivekanand

(4/5)

14. Atarapi

Gujarati

Dhruv Bhatt

(4/5)

15. Shirt Ka Teesra Button

Hindi

Manav Kaul

(4/5)

16. Rooh

Hindi

Manav Kaul

(4/5)

17. Kagal ni Hodi [Re-read]

Gujarati

Kundanika Kapadia

(4/5)

18. Ek ane Ek [Re-read]

Gujarati

Chandrakant Bakshi

(4/5)

19. Samudrantike

Gujarati

Dhruv Bhatt

(4/5)

P. S. Few of the books I was reading in parts for personal growth, so I've not added the books which I couldn't finish. Magazines are not included. Books for study and job purpose are not included. 

ઉનાળુ વેકેશન

તુ આ રજાઓમાં મામાને ઘેર જઈ આવ ને,

કેમ હવે તુ જતો નથી, કેટલું યાદ કરે છે એ લોકો તને...

એ લોકો કહેતા'તાં કે રાત રોકાયે તો ઘણો સમય થયો, 

હવે તો ઉપરનાં રૂમમાં કૂલર પણ નંખાવ્યુ છે... જા ને જઇ આવ... 

કેમ જતો નથી? કેટલાં વોટ્સએપ મેસેજીસને વીડિયો કોલ પણ કર્યા... 

સંજુ તો હવે પારકો થઇ ગયો છે, બિલકુલ આવતો જ નથી રોકાવા માટે, 

મમ્મી, ત્યાં નાનીમા નથી, ભલે એમને ગયે હવે દસ વર્ષ થશે... 

પણ ત્યાં જઇને એક ખાલીપો ઘેરી વળે છે, ઊંડે ઊંડે ડૂમો ભરાઇ જાય છે... 

મારે પણ જવું છે ત્યાં... પણ વીસ વર્ષ પાછળ... 

એક રૂપિયાની ચાર પાણીપુરી અને બરફનો ગોળો ખાવા જવું છે, 

પેલો સાદો બે રૂપિયાનો નહીં, સ્પેશ્યલ હીંગળાચાચરનો બરફ ગોળો... 

ભરબપોરે બધા સૂતા હોય ને ત્યારે નજર ચૂકાવીને ઘરની બહાર જવું છે 

આમલીનાં કાતરા ખાવા છે... ચોખાનાં પાપડ અને ભૂંગળા ખાવા છે... 

અપર અને બાલ્કની હોય તેવા સિંગલ સ્ક્રીનમાં પિક્ચર જોવું છે...

એક રૂપિયામાં એક લોટો ભરીને છાશ આપવાની, એમ નાની કહેશે... 

હું ત્યાં બેસીશ નાનીને ઘેર, થોડાક પૈસા મને નાની આપશે 

બીજા પૈસા બચાવવા માટે પણ કહેશે... 

નાની મને માવો આપશે... દેવડા લાવી આપશે... 

સાંજે દૂધ આપીને ધીમે ધીમે ચાલીને આવતા નાનીની રાહ જોઈશ હું... 

એ દિવ્યા ભારતીનો ફોટો લાવશે... 

મોડી સાંજે લોકો છાણાં લેવા માટે આવશે... 

કેટલાક મને ગાંધીનગર વિશે પૂછશે... સંજુ તો કેટલો મોટો થઈ ગયો...

મારી ઊંચાઈ વિશે કહેશે, ગાલ પર હળવેથી ટપલી મારશે... 

રાતે બધા વાતો કરશે અને હું પેપ્સી ખાઈશ... 

મા, હવે હું ત્રીસનો થઈશ... પણ મારે ફરી દસના થવું છે...

મારે રિતિક રોશનનો કહો ના પ્યાર હૈ વાળો ડાન્સ કરવો છે... 

બપોરે બાજી પત્તા રમવા છે, સાંજે લખોટી રમવી છે... 

રાતે ખુલ્લા આકાશ નીચે સૂવું છે... 

મોમ હું એટલા માટે મામાને ઘેર જતો નથી કારણ કે... 

આ સમય હવે પાછો નહીં આવે... હું જઈશ નહીં કેમ કે 

હવે નાની ત્યાં નથી, માટે જ મામાનું ઘર દીવો બળે તેટલે નથી 

પણ ઘણું જ દૂર ચાલ્યું ગયું છે... 

- સંજય દેસાઇ

તુ તારું રૂપ ખુદ બિરદાવ

તુ તારું રૂપ ખુદ બિરદાવ, 

કોઈ તને સુંદર કહે, 

એ રાહ શું કામ જોવી?

તુ ખુદ પોતાને સુંદર કહે... 

અરીસામાં જોઈને ખુદ પોતાની સામે તુ મલકાઈ શકે, 

એ કોઈ જ ખોટી વાત નથી... 

તુ તારું રૂપ ખુદ બિરદાવ...

તુ તારો દુપટ્ટો કોઈક દિવસ તો હવામાં લહેરાવ, 

ક્યારેક અમસ્તો એમ જ લાલ ચાંદલો ચોંટાડ, 

માથામાં કોઈક ફૂલ કે વેણી લગાડ... 

ક્યારેક તો કોઈ જ કારણ વગર કંઈક કર...

ક્યારેક તુ તારું રૂપ ખુદ બિરદાવ... 

કોઈ વખાણ કરે એ તો સૌને ગમે,

પોતે ક્યારેક પોતાનાં વખાણ તો કર... 

લોકોને કહેવા દે જે કહેવું છે તારા વિશે... 

તારું અસ્તિત્વ તુ પોતે ઓળખે છે, 

બીજાને કહેવાની તારે ક્યાં જરૂર છે... 

તારે ફક્ત પાંખો નથી... 

પણ ઉડવા માટે ખુલ્લું આકાશ તો બધાને ભાગે સરખું છે... 

તુ તારું રૂપ ખુદ બિરદાવ... 

કોઈ શું તને સુંદર કહે... 

તુ ખુદ પોતાને સુંદર કહે... 

- સંજય દેસાઇ

Abundance of Life

We, most of us, judge each other too easily. You and I are not exceptional in that thing, okay, let it be, we all are allowed to have few human errors. But, what if, our judgement passed on somebody, affects their daily life? That should be stopped there and then. But very few people do that. They just keep judging or commenting, sometimes in the form of jokes, sometimes in the form of taunts, or anything related to such kinds of activities. They never think about how that's going to affect the other person's life. We, all of us, go through so much in our daily life, sometimes we express, sometimes we don't. We generally don't know what the other person is going through in their life. Our judgements and comments add their baggage. 

I've been waiting for so many dreams to be fulfilled for such a long time. But that doesn't mean I've to stop living my present and just keep focusing on that. I have to value my present as well. There are so many people around me, they always comment on my clothes, bags, accessories, etc. I don't know if they are jealous or what, because let's say I am not the perfect model type or my dressing sense is not one hundred per cent perfect, but I am more than average for sure. Sometimes I ignore, sometimes even if I apply positive chanting and everything I can't ignore, those people should understand that it's not just a joke, it's somebody's life they are commenting on. 

I've been dealing with so many issues, for the past few years, I've generally never told people or I don't discuss them anymore. I've been waiting for my happiness for so long, it appears that I am such a happy person from the outside, but it's not that easy. Sometimes I feel so alone at my workplace. I've few people there on whom I can rely, it's not that thing, I talk to them, I laugh with them, I eat with them, but I feel like I don't belong there, I don't feel it every day, but yes I do, on some of my worst days. As a person I am very helpful, since the past few months I am struggling so much in my own life, still, I've done a lot for so many people, but it's not that I am stating it and trying to prove myself as a bigger person. But my concern is when I need people, they make excuses or they just give me simple lies and I just can feel them. It's not easy when you know the truth and you just have to smile and move on, because you can't do anything about it. It's not easy when you have so much nonsense stuff going on in life, but you try to just smile every day, also you try to keep other people happy, that's very courageous and I am proud of myself that I'm doing it since so many years. I have been the odd one out whole my life. I have never felt bad regarding that, but sometimes it just tiring. I've been dealing with those emotions since my school life when students used to mock me because I had so much height even in primary school. I was good in academics, drawing, extra curriculum, everything, but that negativity stayed with me for many more years after that. People always judge other people who are a bit feminine or have soft voices, that too had happened to me so many times, because our society has made such boxes, where people like me don't fit in. I've tolerated so much abuse and humiliation, just because my parents have brought me up in a certain way that I couldn't just tackle them. I sometimes used to feel so fragile not physically but mentally. In the past few years since I've started to take a stand for myself, people who have been treating me badly have just broken their friendships with me or stopped talking or apologised for their behaviour. But those scars don't go easily which has affected my mental health. There would be so many people like me, and I know it's not easy, but just keep going, you'll survive. 

I could have written these paragraphs in my diary or someplace else, but I want people to know that because of your one stupid thing somebody's life could be changed forever. The videos I make on nature or film-related or the stuff I post about books and quotes, I don't do it for show off. I don't even do it for social media, I just want to document my life, Instagram has been an amazing medium for me to do it, where I can give tribute to my favourite songs with the help of my creativity. I post on WhatsApp because some of my friends don't use Instagram. I post it for my happiness and I'll not stop posting because of some random comments I've been hearing behind my back, if you have the guts to say it, do it on my face, and I'll give you a nice reply. 

In the past few months, there were so many moments where I just felt like quitting. But my parents have never taught me to give up. I've had such bad weeks, not just days, that I just felt like running away somewhere and starting my own new life. 

My father has been so kind to each and everyone I've known, he only losses his cool when he can't tolerate injustice, inequality and lies... I always wanted to become like him, people used to make fun of me that you are not like him, just because he has higher degrees than me, or he's having such a higher position in Government or he's very well behaved than me. But I am myself, and I am realising that I've become like him only, slowly but I am and I'll someday make him proud. My mother has just put me first before herself like every mother. Sometimes I argue with her so much because our thinking doesn't match. But when I look at her, while boiling water for our maid, to do utensils on Winter nights, it just makes me so happy from inside that yes there are few things in me which I've exactly like her. Sometimes small things matter a lot. 

I have been with my friends and relatives on their thick and thin. I've always remembered their birthdays, anniversaries and stuff. But in the past few months, some of them didn't even wish me for my biggest happiness. It didn't make me sad, it just made me silent. I stopped explaining things to people. I started treating people like they treated me. So as I said earlier some of them stopped talking to me. It's not been easy to have two small accidents, I had bad scars mentally and physically because of them. My friends went through a rough time and it affected me too. But then I realized when people are sad they sometimes share their problems but when they are happy they don't announce it. I've also done it. Maybe I am still doing it. I know I have still a long way to go, I've to take a few decisions that will change my life forever, but I will. 

Because as Robert Frost has said, 

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep."